Something for Me


Recently, things have changed. Adam is now the age Emily was when we decided to try for another baby (and instantly became pregnant). Nine months from now, Adam will be the same age Emily was when he was born. I'm not quite sure how we got here so fast.

There won't be another pregnancy. At least not as long as I can help it. But just as things were "easy" enough when Emily was this age for us to consider shattering any calm and predictability that had finally settled in our lives by adding a new baby to the mix, Adam is now at a similar stage.

But this time, I get to ride out the calm. I get to do some things for me. As much as I hate to acknowledge that my babies are growing up, I finally get to relax - properly - for the first time in almost four years. I don't quite know how to do it any longer; that word - "relax" - hasn't quite been part of my vocabulary for some time now. But I'm learning.

I've started going to the pool, after hours. Once the children are in bed, I wave goodbye to David and head to the community pool. There's something insanely serene about swimming in an outdoor pool after dark. I swim some lengths, badly, but I don't care. There's no one I know around, I'm there for me. I'm there to do some exercise, I'm there to relax, to swim at my own pace, to breathe in the night air and not need to hurry home, knowing the children are sleeping and safe with their father.

For the first time in years, I get to do something for me. And it's a set up that works, so I hope it will last.

And I find myself wondering, again, why I haven't written here in so long. And I have started to think that maybe it's because a chapter in my life is ending, and a new one beginning. I no longer have any babies. I have a child and a toddler. I am at a point where I am starting to remember that I have an identity, and it's not just limited to being a mother. The era of a smidgen of freedom has arrived.

3 comments:

  1. Hi Clare, we don't know each other personally but I follow your blog and your last post hit the nail's head.

    I'm not a mother yet and although I would like to be one day I always keep postponing it. Your last post made me realize that loosing my identity and freedom are the reasons of holding me back.

    Whenever I discuss this with my husband he doesn't fully understand me as sometimes it's difficult to explain in words. I might be selfish but I know that unless I accept the fact that my life will change I will never get pregnant.

    Thanks Clare for making feel normal and sorry for the long comment.

    Angelique

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    Replies
    1. Hi Angelique, thank you so much for leaving this comment. I completely get where you're coming from. However (of course there was going to be a "however"), I wouldn't change this for anything. I know that right now the unknown of having a child is so huge that it can put you off, but it's also the most rewarding experience you'll possibly ever have. No, your life will never be the same again, but it's not in a bad way. So I guess I just wanted to highlight that although I may have given up a large part of myself for the best part of four years, in the grand scheme of things it's not a long time and it's a small price to pay in exchange for having these two little humans by my side. Whichever path you choose to take, I wish you all the happiness in the world x

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    2. Thank you and keep up the good work as a mum. I really admire you. x

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Penny for your thoughts, my dear...

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